A WAY AWAY FROM CONFLICT

Some points we referenced in our message last evening at FCC.  www.FCCToday.org

THESE IDEAS ARE FROM:

http://www.unionchurch.com/archive/030401.html

There are a number of good questions to ask yourself if you are in a conflict situation

1. Have I fueled this conflict by my own pride, stubbornness or defensiveness?

First, there will be true humility. The King James uses the lovely phrase “lowliness of mind.” This is a word that in classical Greek meant to grovel before someone else. Paul takes this negative word and elevates it into a Christian virtue. In this context it means to have a proper estimate of yourself so that there is no need for self-promotion.Someone once asked St. Augustine, “What is the first mark of true religion?” “Humility,” he replied. “And the second mark?” “Humility.” “And the third mark?” “Humility.” True religion always begins with humility because unless you humble yourself before the Lord, you can never be saved. The proud go to hell because they will not bend the knee to Jesus Christ. Only the humble can ever be saved.

2. Have I contributed to this conflict by hurtful words, aggressive tactics, or by twisting what really happened?
3. .Have I refused to give someone the benefit of the doubt and instead concluded that I know what the motives of another really are?
4. Have I hindered reconciliation by my bitterness, evil thoughts, or stubbornness?
5. Am I acting like I have no responsibility for the problems that exist?
6. Am I guilty of resisting God by refusing to extend forgiveness and seek reconciliation
7. Am I guilty of perpetuating this conflict by my laziness?
8. Am I waiting for the other person to make the first move and thus violating Paul's command to do everything that we can do to be reconciled?

It is amazing how fast reconciliation comes in a situation if people honestly are willing to admit and address their responsibility in a conflict situation. As we look at our own hearts and attitudes we are taking a step toward reconciliation.

the following is found at: http://www.thegracetabernacle.org/studies/gtsn_conflict.html RULES OF ENGAGEMENT: ( R E C O N C I L E D ) R Respect the relationship more than winning the argument • (Rom. 15:2) E Enlist Scripture as the final word • (2 Tim. 3:16) C Concede to each other the benefit of doubt • (Rom. 12:10). Believe and hope all things • (1 Cor. 13:7) O Only speak the truth in love • (Rom. 8:6-8; Eph. 4:15) N Never gossip with those not involved in the situation • (2 Cor. 12:20) C Consider one another with respect, love and dignity • (Eph. 4:32; Col 3:13) I Involve other people only when agreed upon and absolutely necessary • (Pr. 25:9; Mt. 18:15) L Let each other have the opportunity to be heard • (Pr. 18:2, 13; Jas. 1:19) E Earnestly work together until the conflict is resolved • (Rom. 12:18; Phil. 2:1-4) D Desire God’s glory • (Jos. 22:5; 1 Cor. 10:31) and the testimony of His church as the highest goal • (1 Cor. 6:7; 10:32) STEPS TO RESOLVING CONFLICT Go to God in prayer (Eph. 6:18) Ask God to search your heart (Psm. 139:23-24) Confess your sins to God (1 Jn. 1:8-9) "Take the log out of your own eye" (Mt. 7:3-5) Ask God for humility (Jas. 4:6) Ask God to help you love the individual (Mt. 5:44-45; Rom. 12:9-10, 21) Ask God for wisdom (Jas. 1:5) Correct perception of the situation Knowing when to go (Ecc. 3:1, 7), what to say (Pr. 15:28) and how to say it (Pr. 15:4, 28; 16:21) Go to the individual in private (Mt. 5:23-24; 18:15) Pray together before the meeting begins (Jas. 4:2) Review and agree upon the "Rules of Engagement" Come to a mutual agreement on the exact issue of conflict Deal with one issue at a time Ask each other to specifically express personal concerns Confess any necessary sins (Pr. 28:13; Jas. 5:16) State a plan of repentance to prevent the sin from reoccurring Make restitution if necessary (Lk. 19:8) Forgive one another (Mt. 18:21-22; Eph. 4:32) Mutually determine specific steps necessary to resolve the conflict - be realistic Restore the peace with others who may have been adversely affected (Eph. 4:3) Enlist accountability from others if necessary (Pr. 11:14) End the meeting in prayer (Jas. 5:16) If the conflict still cannot be resolved: Seek a mediator (objective outside individual(s) who can hear both sides and offer solutions — (Pr. 11:14) Seek an arbitrator (same as above, only now the individual(s) offers a binding decision to settle the conflict to be agreed upon by both individuals in conflict — 1 Cor. 6:4) Seek a witness (most likely one from above) and initiate/continue the process of church discipline (Mt. 18:16-17) DO’S AND DON’T’S OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION DON’T Assume you know all the facts. Never pass judgment without hearing the other’s side of the story (Pr. 18:17) Betray confidential information to "bolster" your case (Pr. 11:13) Wait for the other person to initiate the resolution process (Mt. 5:23-24) Compromise the Word of God to resolve a conflict (1 Thes. 2:13; 2 Tim. 4:1-4) Minimize sin (Rom. 6:23; Jas. 1:15) Try to read the other’s mind or expect the other person to read your mind. They may be unaware that their actions were wrong and/or hurtful (1 Cor. 13:7) "Unforgive" that which you have previously forgiven someone (Jer. 31:34) Vilify the person. Odds are, they are not as evil as your mind has concocted them to be (Tit. 3:3) Justify your wrongs by the repeated use of blame shifting, excuses and "but" statements (Lk. 14:18) Expect sinless perfection in the other (Rom. 15:1) DO Take time to cool off and pray (Pr. 29:20) Pursue genuine peace as soon as possible (Rom. 14:19; Heb. 12:14) Control your spirit. Especially be slow to anger (Pr. 12:16; 15:1; 16:32) Keep your emotions in control, but still be sure to express your feelings. Overlook insignificant offenses (Pr. 19:11) unless they are: Dishonoring to God Damaging to the relationship Hurting or might hurt others (including the offender) Trust God for the results, ultimate justice (Rom. 12:19) and His work in the other’s life Attack the issue, not the person (Gal. 5:15; Jas. 4:1-3) Ask Questions. Questions soften the blow and stimulate thinking (Jn. 21:15-17) Reaffirm your love for each other and all that you have in common (Phil. 2:2) Forgive on the basis of one’s statement (1 Cor. 4:5)